It'd be a lot easier to pretend you're not ugly, if I hadn't seen you first. It's the monkey's turn again. Can we make love in a bathtub full of butter beans? I'm going to watch TMZ. You're lucky that I have low standards. You should have washed your feet after walking barefoot through the pasture. You're too fat to be on top. Keep it down, my husband is a light sleeper. My boyfriend's texting me.
The commercials are almost over. Is that a hanging sculpture? Give them a big smile before you zip me up! Do you have a light? I can't get my fist out! This is your lucky day. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it! Were you by any chance repressed as a child? Perhaps you're just out of practice. They're like racing stripes. I get them all the time and they go away after a few days. Your lovemaking is so robotic that I'm always afraid you'll blue screen on me. Keep it down, my husband is a light sleeper. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? I invited three of your girlfriends over because when you said that you wanted me to improve my foreplay, I thought that you wanted me to get used to doing it with four women. I'm sobering up and you're getting butt UGLY. I have a prolapsed uterus. Can this thing work as a bottle opener? Just pretend that it's a Pudding Pop. Did there happen to be a few turds floating in your gene pool? Have I got fleas again? You'll have to get your own self off. After we get married, I'll only charge you half price. I asked you out because I have a goiter fetish. Did I remember to take my pill?
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100 THINGS NOT TO SAY DURING SEX
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