It was one of the worst feelings in my life. It was hard having something that was such a big part of my life go away in an instant. My dad insisted that I try my best to forget about it during the test so that it would not affect my score. I wanted to know as much as I could about the allegations to decide whether or not they were true. Fast forward to April 8, I wish that I could follow people on the internet without having intrusive thoughts about the possibility that they hurt other people. When you began to make money on YouTube, you were able to help support her.
Suddenly, someone had sliced one of my relationships in half. I have found new YouTubers to follow and love, though I think from now on there is a definite limit I have set up to the amount I adore them; having this control makes me feel that I will prevent that moment in my life from happening again. Offline, I wore my bright blue oversized Tobuscus sweatshirt proudly to school, and everywhere else. He had no filter, had a love for dogs, and was generally the perfect person for a child to adore. Toby did influence parts of my life in a positive way. I read about rape, drugs, abuse, and horrific details about Toby from his ex-girlfriend. Some simply speculated and picked sides. Suddenly I ran across one tweet that stood out. I have an element of suspicion about people that I will keep for the rest of my life. He went up to women at gaming conventions and Comic Con, calling them hot in front of many others. Sometimes I partially blame myself for falling in love with Toby and his channel in the first place. I hope that he can accept that in some ways, he was in the wrong and he could have done things differently. I think that in part this is why I stuck with him for so long. The name Toby Turner was embedded in my art, my heart, and even my passwords. Online, I vehemently defended him from anyone who dared say something negative about him. I was especially wary of men, and there was a horrible little voice in my brain telling me that men I knew had secrets like the ones Toby had. And lastly, since he has never received legal justice for anything he did, I would tell him that I hope he is actively trying to change. I hope he is today a better person than the man who denied all accusations while his mother spewed hate towards the victim on Facebook. However, I do believe that his fans had absolutely no fault in sticking with him, and I am sad that I felt such sickening guilt last year. Over time, my daily routine of watching his new daily vlogs vanished. I no longer want to erase those happy feelings from my mind. As fast as I could, I looked up information about the allegations. When the Nick Robinson allegations came out recently, it opened up old wounds. I still followed his channels and Twitter, and watched as he developed a video game, but I knew I was no longer an active subscriber. Toby never did respond or like any of my tweets, which broke my heart as a child and young teenager.
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